Entering Level Two

I realize today that I am entering a totally new phase in my life. Yes, I have been in love before. Yes, I have had affections for someone and seen myself sending the rest of my life with them, but never before have the feelings been mutual.

All through my life I have been living under some sort of authority figure. Mother and Father, brother and Mother. Grandmother. Never have I lived alone, left to my own devices.

Now I know that I have always told myself and everyone around me that I do not want to go directly from parental home into husband home. I have insisted on living alone for a little while. “Find myself” if you will. Earlier this year I stated this fact to my Mother and she ignored it. I was not thinking straight you see.

Now I am in the process of moving in with my beloved Fuckwit. How does this affect me? What about my whole rant about staying alone? I do not know the answers to this yet. I am still thinking. The only thing I do know is that the window of opportunity to live alone has passed. I do not want to live alone anymore, not now that my Fuckwit has entered my life. I mean really, how the hell am I supposed to now go live on my own but spend most of my time here anyway. It just doesn’t make sense. So I cohabitate with The Fuckwit and see where life leads. It is all we can do at the end of the day. Life happens, you flow with it.

The Whyfor and The Whatnot

This morning I was in the car with my beloved F*ckwit, dropping his best friend’s daughter off at creche. Now I have always wondered whether I want children or not and every time I see a rugrat I ponder the fact more. Each time I reach the conclusion that I do not want a mini-me running around.

Why do people feel the need to procreate? Is it a selfish need to give someone else what you never had? To mould them into what you never got to be? To lavish all possible attention on a one certain somebody?

Why on earth?

As I watched from my vantage point in the car a smartly dressed women got out of her car and led her boy by the hand. Said boy was crying his pissy eyes out because “I don’t wanna!”. Wtf? “I said so” doesn’t seem to work on the children of today. Best friend came walking back to the car and I thought to myself, look at what an upheaval having a child is. You have to segregate an hour (at the very least) to get them on their merry little ways. Going on holiday is an almost impossible task because you need a whole trailer for one child's crap. Wait, nevermind a holiday, what about a nice romantic evening out with your beloved? Babysitter alert!! Oh oh, even better. Sex! "No no, the children might wake up." Why? Why on God’s green earth??

Hypothetically speaking of course, in the unfortunate event that I spawn a meat ball.

I have a lot of reasons why I have no maternal instinct whatsoever. Reason numero uno is that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am going to make the most horrible and inadequate mother ever. Secondly, children have a distinct dislike in me, as do i in them. Third point? Why one earth would I want to put myself through 9 months of being ill just to suffer an unknown amount and intensity of pain? All of this for what? A ruined body? Money that could have been otherwise spent now being used to feed and clothe a pile of meat? Ok fine, I realise that once you have a brat you love it and blah blah but still. I really don’t see the need for it, really I don’t.

I have thought long and hard over the years. At one stage I even thought of having one daughter. Until my mind fucked out on me and I realised I blame my mother. This, dear reader(s), I do not want. Do I want my daughter, who I have spent years and years trying to mould into something resembling an acceptable citizen to turn around one day and say “You Bitch! It’s all your fault!”?

I don’t think so. I saddens me to no end, being this defective. Society decrees that “Ye Shall Procreate and Become Many a Mouth to Feed”. So I don’t fit in, yet again.

Exposed and Disposed

“Things pre-destined”

His words, not mine. Is it true? Can it possibly be? Could this be the one I have been waiting for, describing and seeking all my life?

Ever since I can remember I have been searching for love. When I was but a wee babe I recall the one and only quality the man/boy must possess is to love me for me. Love all of me, like the fact that I am slightly off-kilter.

Naturally it changed from there. Years later I wanted someone to listen to me, appreciate my conversation. Later than that I longed for someone I can (and I quote) talk to for hours on end about the biggest load of hogwash yet when silence descends it is a comfortable one, a silence in which you can just ‘be’.

Have I found him? In an effort not to jinx things (as I every so often do) I will hazard it and say that indeed, I think I have.

What made me ponder this afternoon was the fact that my whole pattern of thought seems to have changed. I always used to tell the guy I am/was currently seeing that I will never be Girlfriend
Material. I cannot think like one. When I see clothing I do not think “Let me get it for so-and-so, I know he’ll like it”. No, this just wasn’t me.

So I scared myself this afternoon by walking in a supermarket and, wait for it, buying something for the flat. Yes, not his flat, the flat. This is the way I thought and still think about his place of residence.

This is scary shit people! I mean, here you have me, chronic loner, never having referred to anything in a more pluralry form than “I”, “mine”, “my”, talking about his stuff as “we” and “ours”.

Wtf? What has this man done to me? I am feeling again! No no, in fact, I am feeling for the first time in my life. Bona fide feelings of in-lovedness and care. Concern and tenderness.

The Belle has gone soft.

And she is loving every second of it.

The Fly Who Bagged Me


The need to write something is so overpowering at this point yet no significant thoughts are forthcoming.

I relayed the fact that I would be meeting someone, and I did. Someone very special in fact. What happened this weekend is still a mystery to me. No, not the actually, physical events, that I understand, I was there after all. What is baffling me is what happened in my heart, and possibly in his too. Something shifted in the concrete that was settling in my being. Something cracked. And it felt good. No, correction, it felt simply glorious.

I feel alive again. I feel hopeful. I look forward to every day for I know he is there, I know he is thinking of me.

The physical, known events are as follows.

We met at the local hang-out where all the décor is a very, very shocking and mildly disturbing pink. One look at the interior had us en route to the car and onwards in search of greener pastures. Out journey took us, in total, to four different malls. After leaving the last mall we got lost for a while, eventually managin to find our way back to civilisation.

As luck would have it, we ended up back at the Pink Horror and stayed there well into the early morning hours. At my gate we decided it shan’t end just yet. This attitude and thought pattern led to me spending the entire weekend in his company.

In essence, in total I think what I’m trying to establish is what the hell happened? It is so…thought provoking, these stirrings in my soul.

But I have decided on something, for once I am not going to analyse the shit out of what we have and what I feel.

In fact, for once, I have no driving compulsion, no need to do so.

Ok...i can't Title this one.
Hmmm.
Nevermind then.

What is it that makes someone attractive to another? What causes excitement at the thought of said person.

I have been set the task of defining why i wanted to meet someone (Let us call him A for now) as early on in the game as i did. In all honesty i don't know yet, i haven't the faintest. It could've been some metaphysical feeling/premonition. Could it have been a subconscious need to meet someone who seems to be a mirror opf my thoughts and feelings?

Then another thing is niggling at this rotten brain of mine. A guy (Name B) left me, fear of commitment. He made no effort whatsoever to reconcile what there once was yet, once i tell him that i have now met someone he goes all "Oh Woe is Me, Despair despair" on me. What on earth is the meaning behind all this?

Upon my telling another fan from the dating site that i have met someone he launches into a long speech. Telling me i shouldn't change anyhing for this gu, that he has come to like me a lot and would like to continue chatting etc etc. Guy A wanted to meet me at my earliest possible convenience. Why? Because i am so positively amazing? Because he didn't want to risk me getting hung up on someone else in the meantime? Because he felt the strange urgency i did?

Tis a mystery.

What gets to me, however, is why didn't the Speech sayer arrange to meet me yet? It seems the men in out world are becoming neurotic little basket cases, too afraid to do anything for fear of getting their hearts broken. The one man who had the equipment necessary for courage managed to meet me, and now has me.

Moral of the story? Why fear the unknown? Sure, you might get hurt in the process but for fuck's sake, if you don't chance it how the hell do you know if it'll ever work or not?

Take the plunge.